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The half a hundred Mark
I waited 50 years to finally turn 50 last month,* sigh, which is an age that feels so right. When turning 41 it was also one of my happiest birthdays because that, too, felt right; as though i’ve always been 41 and had to wait years to arrive at an age that was meant to be. It had a nice ring to it and i couldn’t wait for anyone to ask me, ” How old are you, may i ask ? “, so i could say, :” I’m 41″.
It sounded mature, which is part of why i liked it. I felt that if i’d make a suggestion it’s easier taken into consideration since , hey it’s coming from a 41 year old; 41 years of experience, unlike when in one’s 20’s or 30’s offering a suggestion and one may hear in response, ” What do you know, you’re only 38 years old , what life experience do YOU have ? “. The former coming from a 41 year old person. Thus 41 was a happy birthday to me because it had some gravitas.
Throughout my 40’s i was more content than in my 30’s, 20, and most certainly more content than in my teens. Teenage years are no doubt the worst ‘cuz of the whole puberty stuff = am i a kid, a girl, a person, a woman ? Wow is that boy cute, but darn no hanky panky allowed cuz i’m too young, i shall go play with Ken and Barbie instead and have them do what my imagination demands them to do, LOL.
Ken kissed Barbie, again, again and again, and my first imaginary love story was created in my mind but never found it’s way on paper until recently when i began writing, ” Ken and Barbie ” – A love Story ( How Ken seduced Barbie in my room, to which i was an eye witness )
Teenage and childhood years are also wonderful; the years of exploring, discovering which once it begins it’s never ending. Everyday one discovers something new – every thing new and previously unexplored is exhilarating – from nature, to music, to art, to … well yeah, boys and the self-discovery how one starts behaving totally different ( and weird, at times ) when around boys one likes, which is also hilarious when thinking about it afterward, as in ” What was that strange giggle thing i was doing ?”
It takes a while to figure out the different new sensations; “like” feels different than “attraction”, which feels different than desire, which feels different than feeling respect for someone, which feels different than being fond of someone, which feels different than… wonder what love feels like ? That’s the toughest to figure out; when to know when it’s love or just attraction, desire, or am i just ” in like” ‘cuz that person is so much “like” me which i “like” .
When finally in my 40’s i felt the courage to say NO to things i didn’t like, and the courage not to be a pleaser to appease others, which is a terrible syndrome, being a pleaser, one can easily suffer from in younger years when not yet feeling that self-confident.
But this feeling of feeling more confident about oneself is also something to get used to; it’s another new sensation with accompanying symptoms of an eery calmness occurring during tense situations where one previously felt rather nervous. Suddenly anxiety is not felt, and it’s at first startling, cuz that sort of calmness hasn’t been felt/experienced before. Instead of feeling a little nervousness one has grown accustomed to, one is suddenly overcome by serenity, which at first seems a bit out of place, until one realizes that feeling more confident is part of getting older and starts embracing the whole aging thingie on a whole different level; looking from the inside out instead of from the outside in.
Point being, it takes years and years to discover oneself, to get to know oneself, to learn what it is lurking deep inside oneself. Now that i’m 50 i still don’t know the “entirety” of me and will be in for yet other new surprises when experiencing the upcoming 50’s, still being on the journey to uncover what one is really made of. A Cowardice Lion, a Scarecrow, a Tin Man, or Dorothy anxious to learn/see what’s at the end of the yellow brick road ?
I don’t know yet, so…..
” C’mon Toto ” 😉