Korifaeus Magazine

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The most Selfish Person on Earth

Confessions of an Egomaniacal Narcissist
by Korifaeus

Egomaniacal Narcissism is an art form, if i may say so; but before i go on let me first dedicate this article to myself – voila. To become really good at egomaniacal narcissism one has to be farsighted – thinking way ahead of things; like playing chess. In order to play chess and win, one has to think several steps ahead.

I’m not a good chess player, and because i’m such a terrible chess player ( i just know the moves and the names of the cute little figurines ) no one wants to play chess with me. But i’m an egomaniacal Narcissist and want to tell people i play chess; it just sounds so smart , especially when ye a girl.
So i play chess with my computer.

Now some may think it’s pretty tough to beat a computer at chess. True.
But not when you’re someone who thinks way ahead. ( i’m far sighted in every way ) I just click ‘preference ‘, and put it on its lowest level, thus WAY below beginners. I win EVERY SINGLE TIME. It takes me less than a minute and that stupid computer makes the same mistakes over and over again.
I’ve become a passionate chess player.

As i said, i’m an egomaniacal narcissist, thus i’m not really that popular.
But i’m farsighted and know how to make myself feel popular; because quite frankly, it’s not soothing to feel unpopular. I make sure everyone ‘thinks’, i’m popular, especially me.
Not getting any cards for Christmas, my birthday, nor invitations to parties, new years eve or Christmas, i have to do that myself. I don’t want the mailman or woman to think i’m not popular, thus i send myself a whole bunch of Christmas cards around that season. NEVER at once. That would make it too obvious. ( farsightedness is important )

I make sure to use different pens and writing styles, otherwise i know right away it’s from me, but i want to surprise me. Three to five cards i send oversees to some whom i’ve obviously not befriended, but acquainted sufficiently to pay them for a small favor.

I send them a ready card to be mailed to me from their country and include in the envelope ten bucks. That way it looks to the mailman or woman as if i have friends oversees, as well.

I put the cards i’ve prepared on different days into the mailbox, approx. within the two weeks prior to Christmas. I don’t open the cards before Christmas, instead place them under the Christmas tree to be opened on Christmas eve,
It makes me feel terrific, especially since i make myself believe ( it’s an art)
they actually came from different people.

The challenge is to come up with some names and write in different styles that would fit the names. Say it’s an Irish name, and the person is actually from Ireland. They use a different style of writing and write the A’s, B’s, or M’s and so forth, differently than Americans, Germans, etc.

A person having gone to school in Britain, for example, writes the letters differently than someone from Holland; especially the numbers. Being farsighted i make sure each writes according to their background. I wouldn’t want my cards to resemble the Declaration of Independence with its appalling inconsistency. Especially the letter ‘A’, once written like an American letter and on the same page written like a Dutch letter, too. That’s just plain sloppy and i want none of that.

I also write an occasional letter to myself. These letters, i write to myself, consists of praises and gracious thank you’s, for all the terrific things i’ve done. Especially being there for my friends in time of need.

Though i don’t actually have any friends and i surely wouldn’t bother to give anyone some of my precious time, it’s all about creating the ” Myth” of being absolutely fantastically heroic, benevolent and the whole crap that makes one appear popular.
To be or not to be. It would take such an effort and time to actually be a person of character. I have no idea how they do it. It’s so much easier to create the myth.

Whatever some may say about me being an egomaniacal narcissist wouldn’t hold up, because the ‘ evidence’ speaks against it. ( Cards and letters of praise putting Mother Theresa to shame ! )
Here’s a sample of the letters i write to myself.

My dearest Leagan

How can I possibly ever thank you for the wonderful presents of friendship you have extended to my family and myself.
Your generosity of spirit is beyond compare and words alone can not describe the gratitude my family and i feel, to be blessed with your friendship.

I wish to respect your wish of not accepting any gifts, but if only we knew how to thank you for all you’ve done for my family and me.

Never have we known such a humble and gracious person as you, whose modesty is beyond our comprehension.
The scholarship for our son Jeffrey whose only dream it is to become a Doctor brought us to tears, for we could never afford to send him to college. Please accept this little Rosary as a thank you, which i enclosed in the envelope.

Much love,
Marianne O’Calahan

For that letter i picked up a cheap rosary and put it in the envelope.
But of course i write myself letters from all denominations, and races, as well as political parties. Creating the myth of being outrageously popular, it is important to project oneself as ‘ colorblind’, with an all embracing personality.
Not to brag, but the thank you notes i received are multi cultural; from Leroy Washington the third, to Father O’Henry, to Rabbi Schlomo Pfeffer, as well as Rabbi Schlossburg, just to mention a few. Cultural know-how is pivotal to writing these cards and letters.

Naturally i won’t receive Christmas cards from Rabbi Schlomo Pfeffer, who’s very orthodox. He sends me a Hanukkah card every year and sometimes one for Pesach inviting me to a seder. From his notes one can easily learn that i’ve never attended his seders, nor the Shabbat dinner invitations, because the myth i created is of me being too humble to accept gifts and invitations of any kind.
I help my peeps because of the goodness of my heart, not for anything in return.
Still he invited me every single year and ends his cards with ” Zei gezund”
As opposed to Rabbi Schlossburg, who is secular and sends ‘ Merry Christmas’ cards, within which he writes, ‘ Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and whatever else you like to celebrate.

One may think it takes a lot of time and effort to create this myth of being popular and all. Not as much time as i’d spend had i friends and meet them in pubs or what have you. Gosh, i’m so glad to be able to have come up with this concept of looking GREAT with the least amount of effort.

Plus, it’s really fun. Having written cards, notes or a letter, i’m so thrilled with my magnificent accomplishments and feel such love( yes, indeed LOVE ) and can’t hold my excitement about me back; i go into the bathroom, look at me, thrilled to see me smile so broadly, i have to kiss the mirror.

I kiss me better than anyone. No one else is there to kiss me; might as well do it myself. And i sure do appreciate it when i give me a kiss. One of the reasons i leave the bathroom door open at all times, is to pass by the bathroom when going to the bedroom and be able to glimpse into the mirror at me.

When doing so I smile at me. I wink at me and make sure i look good when i do. If i don’t approve of the way i looked, smiled or winked at myself, i do it again. It’s pretty much like having to be one’s own director.
Terrible take – CUT. Then i do it again until it’s to my liking and then PRINT.

It’s easier to be an egomaniacal narcissist than a self-less person, which i believe takes a lot of times and hard work. I don’t know how those people do it. Tip of the hat to them. To be talking about other people all day long and not once about themselves; that’s selfless.



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This entry was posted on August 11, 2012 by in Satire and tagged , , , , , , , , , .
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